Out for a walk on the dykes where I encountered this intimidating gang of hoodlums and their terrifying attack dogs.
Any time I ever mention this very scenario as being the main drawback of having a birthday so close to Christmas, some fool always pipes up and says no way, that would never happen, no one could be so clueless. WRONG. And somewhere out there a lone and bitter meme-maker knows it all too well.
I can just imagine what these would look like on chubby, squat little me. Good god.
In a fairly large pot, combine all of this:
2 bags cranberries (6-7 cups total)
3-4 onions, depending on the size
2 cups raisins
1 cup apple cider vinegar
1.5 cups white sugar
1.5 cups brown sugar
zest and juice from 2 oranges (zest first, then juice)
2 tsp each of salt, cinnamon, ginger and ground cloves
Bring the pot to a boil, then turn down the heat and simmer, uncovered, for about half an hour, stirring occasionally. Be careful not to stand over the pot and inhale too deeply because all that vinegary steam probably kills brain cells.
Once it has thickened and most of the cranberries have burst, let it cool a bit and taste it. Good, right? It’s sparky. Puts hair on your chest. Now ladle it into jars. I’d say it makes about six cups’ worth, but I’ve never actually measured. Label the jars and refrigerate or freeze. Serve with anything that needs a bit of cranberry sauce with attitude.
Sometimes a walk out to the river and back really hits the spot.